Clearing Up the Confusion
What Is Kink, BDSM, and the Role of Tops, Bottoms, Doms, and Subs?
There’s nothing like a little controversy to spark conversation—and education. Recently, one of my blog posts received some pushback about the use of terms like Top and Dom, and the dynamics of D/s (Dominance/submission) relationships. While I welcome questions and different perspectives, it also became clear that there’s a lot of confusion out there about what these terms mean and how they are used—not just within the kink community, but beyond it too.
So let’s break it down. This blog will walk you through the differences between kink and BDSM, what the terms top and bottom really mean, and why it's important to use the right language when talking about power dynamics, sex, and consent.
What Is Kink?
"Kink" is an umbrella term used to describe anything outside of what’s typically considered conventional or vanilla sex. But let’s be real—what’s “vanilla” for one person could be totally kinky to someone else. Who defines “normal” sex? Honestly, you do. That’s why it gets messy.
In general terms, kink includes a wide range of sexual and sensual interests, fantasies, and activities that may include—but are not limited to:
Roleplay (non-D/s based)
Fantasies (including taboo scenarios)
Costumes or cosplay
Age play
The use of toys (vibrators, dildos, anal beads, etc.)
Fetishes (feet, leather, latex, etc.)
Important note: Fetishes are distinct in that they refer to a specific object or body part that may be necessary for arousal, but they still fall under the kink umbrella because they exist outside conventional norms.
What Is BDSM?
BDSM is one category within kink, and the acronym stands for:
Bondage
Dominance
Submission
Sadism
Masochism
You can think of BDSM as its own unique ecosystem within kink, containing a wide variety of combinations, dynamics, and practices. One couple’s BDSM might look like playful spanking and light teasing; another couple might create an intense psychological scene with complex rituals and structured power exchange. Both are valid.
But there’s one thing that ALL forms of BDSM have in common: consent.
Consent Is the Foundation of BDSM
If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this blog, it’s this: BDSM is not BDSM without consent. Period. No amount of leather, whips, or dramatic power exchange makes it BDSM unless both (or all) parties have enthusiastically and explicitly agreed to it.
Consent in BDSM is:
Ongoing
Verbal
Negotiated
Revocable at any time
In long-term D/s relationships (often called 24/7 dynamics), negotiations happen at the start and are revisited over time. These conversations cover everything from household responsibilities to limits in play, communication protocols, and even how time is spent apart. The level of detail depends on the people involved—but the commitment to consent never changes.
In short-term interactions (known as scenes), negotiations happen before play begins. The Dominant and submissive will discuss:
Desires and boundaries
Hard and soft limits
Physical and emotional states
Aftercare needs
For example, a submissive might say, “I’m feeling emotionally raw today. I’d like to avoid humiliation, but I’d love to feel some pain and receive nurturing aftercare.” Great! The Dominant now has a roadmap for the scene.
And yes—just like in vanilla sex, consent can be withdrawn at any time.
What Is a Scene?
Scenes, sceneing, play, playing, working, or scene work—all refer to the same concept. Think of it like a scene in a movie or play: it has a beginning, middle, and end. Most BDSM experiences happen within a scene format, even if the partners aren’t romantically involved or in a committed relationship.
The structure of the scene may be the same, but the intensity and content vary wildly. Some scenes are playful and giggly. Others are deeply cathartic or intense. Regardless, every scene is created with the full knowledge and agreement of everyone involved.
While 24/7 relationships get a lot of attention, they are the exception, not the norm. Most people in BDSM engage in play as a part of their overall relationship—or with trusted play partners where sex may or may not be involved.
“Top” and “Bottom”: Let's Clear This Up
Here’s where people often get tripped up. The terms top and bottom originated in gay male sexual culture. Originally, they referred to who was the “pitcher” (top) and who was the “catcher” (bottom) during sex. These terms are still used that way in many sexual communities.
Top = the person doing the action (penetrating, initiating, leading)
Bottom = the person receiving the action (being penetrated, guided, or passive)
People who enjoy both roles may identify as versatile or switch.
Here’s the catch: these terms are not interchangeable with Dominant and submissive. And this is where people outside the BDSM community often get confused.
A top can perform acts like flogging or tying someone up, but that doesn’t mean they are a Dominant in a power exchange relationship.
A bottom might receive impact play but still maintain control over the scene parameters, which makes them a bottom, not necessarily a submissive.
In BDSM:
Dominance and submission are about power exchange.
Top and bottom are about action.
And remember: BDSM doesn’t always involve sex. Many scenes don’t include penetration or orgasm at all. Some people in D/s relationships never have sex. Others incorporate sex into their aftercare. Either way, sex is a separately negotiated act—not a given.
Final Thoughts
So yes, it’s easy to see why people mix up terms. Language evolves, communities blend, and our understanding deepens with education. That’s why clarity matters. Knowing the difference between kink and BDSM, and between a Top and a Dom, can help all of us practice more conscious, consent-based intimacy—whether we’re doing it for fun, connection, healing, or all three.
This blog gave you a high-level overview of some pretty nuanced topics. I could write a whole book on the ways these roles and dynamics show up (and maybe one day I will!), but for now, I hope this clears things up and invites more respectful, informed conversations moving forward.
Commonly Asked Questions:
“What is BDSM?”
“What does top and bottom mean in sex?”
“What is kink and how is it different from BDSM?”
“Is BDSM always sexual?”
If you're curious about exploring kink, power exchange, or your own desires in a safe, embodied, and conscious way, I'm here to help. Let's talk.
