BDSM Protocols: Low, Medium, and High
What They Are and Why They Matter
When people first start exploring BDSM, they often imagine intense scenes, elaborate rope work, or leather and lace everywhere. But there’s another element that often goes unmentioned and, in my opinion, makes a huge difference in how satisfying a Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamic can feel: protocol.
Simply put, protocol is the set of rules that guide how a submissive behaves during specific situations, events, scenes, or within their overall relationship. Think of it as the etiquette of your D/s dynamic — a custom-tailored “rule book” that tells the sub how to act in different settings.
It’s important to note that protocol doesn’t always mean there’s a full power exchange in place. Sometimes the pair are simply acting out roles — a Dom showing up in the role without actively controlling, and a sub following speaking or behavior protocols as part of the scene or dynamic. In these cases, the sub could certainly voice dissatisfaction or suggest changes. In a Total Power Exchange (TPE), however, this would never happen — the protocol would be followed as set, without negotiation in the moment.
And before you think, Ugh, rules, remember this:
We’ve been following protocols our whole lives. We all learned early on that we use our “quiet voice” in the library, we shake hands when meeting someone new, we don’t cut in line at the grocery store. You wouldn’t behave at a wedding the same way you would at a backyard barbecue, and you wouldn’t carry yourself the same way at a punk concert as you would in a job interview.
These are societal protocols — expectations we’ve absorbed since childhood. BDSM simply applies the same idea to your power exchange dynamic, making it more intentional, personal, and, if done well, deeply satisfying for everyone involved.
Why Have Protocols in BDSM?
Protocols aren’t just about rules for rules’ sake. They exist to:
Provide structure and safety — You both know exactly what’s expected, which can lower anxiety and prevent misunderstandings.
Deepen intimacy — Following (or enforcing) protocol can amplify the connection between you, especially when it’s tailored to your shared desires.
Meet core desires — For a sub, protocols can scratch that itch to “get it right,” to please, to be seen and valued. For a Dom, protocols can create the thrill of control, the satisfaction of care, and the pride of a well-executed dynamic.
Create consistency — You both know the rules, and you both know when those rules apply, whether you’re at home, at an event, or in a scene.
And yes — both partners are active participants here. The sub follows the protocol, but the Dom is the one who designs it (based on the sub’s needs and desires), keeps it consistent, monitors it, and ensures it’s safe. A protocol is a two-way street.
High Protocol — The Strictest Form of Etiquette
High protocol is the most formal, structured, and specific form of D/s etiquette. It’s the highest form of respect and deference a sub can show their Dom.
This level might include:
Kneeling before speaking or when thanking the Dom.
Asking permission for certain actions.
Using specific titles or honorifics at all times.
Following a dress code (formal fetish wear, matching accessories, or even a required color scheme).
High protocol is often used at public kink events, formal D/s gatherings, or during special private moments. It’s not an everyday thing for most people — maintaining it constantly can be exhausting and may diminish its emotional impact.
Why it’s appealing to the sub:
Removes guesswork — every movement, phrase, and action is already outlined.
Reduces anxiety by providing certainty about how to behave.
Allows the sub to focus purely on pleasing the Dom.
Offers a sense of being favored, chosen, or “the best.”
Public admiration — they get to show off their Dom’s skills and authority.
Why it’s appealing to the Dom:
The challenge and reward of orchestrating every detail of the sub’s behavior.
The pleasure of knowing the sub’s obedience remains intact even in complex social environments.
The quiet (or sometimes not-so-quiet) thrill of having their authority recognized and admired.
Example:
You’re at a formal BDSM event in Kansas City. The Dom has instructed the sub to remain three steps behind them, eyes down, hands folded, speaking only when spoken to. The sub is wearing a custom corset and a discrete but symbolic collar. From the outside, the Dom may appear relaxed — laughing, talking with friends, enjoying the scene. But their attention is constantly on the sub: tracking every move, making subtle corrections, and making sure they’re safe. The sub feels cherished and secure, knowing the Dom’s focus is entirely on them, even while managing a room full of people.
Medium Protocol — The Everyday Standard
Medium protocol is the most versatile and variable level of etiquette — and it’s where you’ll see the biggest differences between Doms.
This is often the “default” in 24/7 D/s relationships: structured enough to maintain the dynamic, but relaxed enough for everyday living. A medium protocol might include:
Addressing the Dom with a specific title in private but using first names in public.
Performing small acts of service daily, like preparing the Dom’s morning coffee or laying out their preferred clothes.
Following certain rituals at the start or end of the day (like kneeling for a few moments before bed).
Why it’s appealing to the sub:
Keeps the connection alive without constant formality.
Allows for regular life while maintaining power exchange.
Offers flexibility for different settings (work, social events, family time).
Why it’s appealing to the Dom:
Provides consistent expressions of respect and obedience without being draining.
Leaves space to increase or decrease formality based on mood or situation.
Example:
A Kansas City couple in a D/s relationship is spending a weekend together. At home, the sub always kneels to greet the Dom when they enter the room. If they go out to a local coffee shop, the kneeling isn’t practical — but the sub might instead subtly hand the Dom their coffee first or wait to take a sip until the Dom does. These gestures are invisible to others but meaningful to both of them.
Low Protocol — The Subtle Layer
Low protocol is the least formal and often the least noticeable to outsiders. It can range from basic respect to small, symbolic gestures that wouldn’t register as D/s unless you know what to look for.
Low protocol might include:
Wearing a subtle piece of jewelry that serves as a collar.
Following small rules about language, posture, or shared rituals.
Quietly deferring to the Dom’s decisions in certain areas.
Why it’s appealing to the sub:
Keeps the dynamic alive even in “vanilla” spaces.
Offers a sense of belonging and connection without public display.
Can be a way to keep protocol active when circumstances make higher levels impractical.
Why it’s appealing to the Dom:
Maintains control and connection even in low-key settings.
Reinforces the relationship dynamic without requiring constant vigilance.
Example:
A collared sub wears a large leather collar during scenes and high protocol events at home. But in low protocol settings — say, a family gathering or a trip to a Kansas City farmer’s market — they wear a dainty gold chain choker with a small circle in the middle. To others, it’s just jewelry. To them, it’s a powerful symbol of their relationship and the ongoing power exchange between them.
The Dom’s Role in Protocol
While protocols outline the sub’s behavior, they are not a one-sided affair. The Dom plays a crucial role in creating, maintaining, and embodying the protocol.
The Dom:
Designs the protocol based on the sub’s desires, needs, and negotiated boundaries.
Keeps it consistent and makes subtle corrections when necessary.
Maintains awareness of the sub’s safety at all times.
Provides rewards, discipline, or adjustments as needed to sustain the agreed dynamic.
For many subs, a core desire is knowing their Dom is paying close attention — not just to rules, but to them. Even in a crowded room, the sub feels the Dom’s awareness as a steady, grounding force.
For many Doms, the appeal is the devotion and loyalty shown by a sub who follows protocol flawlessly — especially when it requires attention and obedience in the middle of other activities. Seeing their sub happy, blissful, and cared for can feel like the ultimate reward.
Final Thoughts
There’s no “best” level of protocol. The right choice depends on your personalities, desires, and the context of your relationship. High protocol can feel intoxicating in its structure, medium protocol can create a steady hum of connection, and low protocol can keep your D/s dynamic alive in even the most mundane moments.
When protocols are designed and maintained with care, they can transform a D/s relationship from “fun” to profoundly intimate, satisfying, and even healing.
And remember — protocols require negotiation, communication, and consent. That’s a whole conversation in itself (and a blog I’ll write soon).
Want to Explore Protocols in Your Own Relationship?
If you’re in Kansas City — or anywhere and open to virtual coaching — and you’d like to learn more about BDSM protocols, practice different levels, or work through the negotiations for them, I’d love to guide you. Let’s create the structure, safety, and connection you’re craving in your dynamic.
