What Makes Someone an Amazing Lover?
Insights from a Certified Sex Educator and Intimacy Coach
Earlier this month, I had a powerful conversation with my colleague Kristen Thomas for an interview with The Pitch Magazine’s Pride Month feature. We talked about what it’s like to be bisexual and newly out as a lesbian—especially when it comes to dating. It was raw, real, and honestly one of those convos that stays with you.
After we wrapped up the call, I couldn’t stop thinking about something that came up: the fear of not being “good” at sex—especially when stepping into new territory with dating or relationships. And while that concern was raised in the context of coming out or exploring same-gender partnerships, the truth is: this fear is universal.
The things that make someone an amazing lover aren’t tied to your gender, sexuality, or experience level—they’re human. Whether you're queer, straight, bi, trans, cis, ace, or fluid, the heart of being a great lover remains the same.
So, as a certified sex educator and intimacy coach, let me break it down for you.
First: Connection & Intimacy Are Not Optional
People often assume being a “good lover” is about technique—how well you perform certain sexual acts. And sure, skill has its place. But the path to being the best lover your partner has ever had starts long before you touch their body.
If I had to boil it all down to one word, it would be selflessness.
A selfish lover may be adequate, even passable. But if you're reading this, chances are you want more than "passable." You’re curious. You care. And that right there is the first sign that you’re on the path to becoming a truly amazing lover.
It all starts with connection—specifically emotional connection. That means asking yourself:
Are you attuned to what your partner is feeling emotionally?
Do you know what makes them feel safe, seen, or desired?
What do you do to connect before things get physical?
For some people, that might look like a long, passionate makeout session. For others, it could be finishing the kitchen clean-up together after a long day or simply asking how their day was—and actually listening.
Everyone has different ways they register intimacy. The key is attunement. You’ve got to know your person.
Intimacy Isn’t Always About Sex
Let’s clarify something: intimacy does not equal sex, and sex doesn’t always lead to intimacy.
The definition of intimacy is simple: it’s something you share with someone that you don’t share with anyone else. That might be sex, sure. But it could also be:
Sending flirty or dirty texts throughout the day
Helping your partner bathe
Feeding each other bites of dinner
Wearing something you know they love—just because
Being an amazing lover means recognizing that those things matter just as much—if not more—than what you do between the sheets.
Also, knowing your partner means knowing when not to initiate sex. If they’re tired, stressed, or clearly not feeling it, and you’re still pushing for action? That’s not hot—that’s missing the mark. Connection and timing go hand in hand.
What Really Makes You Stand Out: Core Desires
Here’s where it gets even deeper.
In my work with clients, I talk a lot about core desires—the emotions you want to feel during your most satisfying, turned-on sexual experiences. Think: desired, cherished, powerful, ravished, adored.
These aren’t about technique. They’re about emotion.
And if you’re not tuned into your partner’s core desires, you’re essentially trying to find buried treasure without a map. Knowing your partner’s core desires is the key to unlocking the best sex of their life—and yours.
I work with individuals and couples to uncover these desires because they’re personal, layered, and often shaped by life experience, trauma, and longing. But once you know what your partner needs to feel during intimacy, you’re no longer guessing. You’re intentionally delivering.
Sometimes your core desires will align (hello, magic!). Other times, they may not, and you’ll need to find creative ways to meet both of your needs in the same experience. That’s what I help couples navigate every day.
A Word About Curiosity & Letting Go of Shame
To be an amazing lover, you have to be curious. Curious about your partner’s pleasure. Curious about what lights them up—and what shuts them down.
Let go of the pressure to look or perform like porn (I’m not anti-porn, but let’s be real—it’s fantasy, not instruction). Let go of outdated gender roles, performative sex scripts, and shame-based conditioning.
Your job as a lover is not to be a perfect performer—it’s to be a present, tuned-in, willing-to-learn human who makes your partner feel like their desires matter.
And yes—this applies across the board, no matter what kind of body you have or who you’re in bed with.
Wait… What About My Desires?
I get asked this all the time:
“If I’m being selfless and focused on my partner’s needs… when do I get mine?”
Fair question. The answer? When you build connection, intimacy, and attunement, it becomes mutual. In great sex, selflessness is a two-way street. Your partner wants to please you too. That’s the beauty of real, connected intimacy—it’s not transactional. It’s reciprocal.
Final Thoughts from a Sex Coach
Being the best lover someone’s ever had isn’t about tricks, toys, or techniques (although those can be great). It’s about:
Deep connection
Emotional and physical attunement
Curiosity about your partner’s inner world
A willingness to be selfless
And the courage to explore desire together
And yes, sometimes that takes practice. Sometimes you need guidance, tools, or support to get there. That’s where I come in.
Want to Learn How to Be an Amazing Lover?
I work with individuals and couples who are ready to level up their intimacy—from first-date jitters to long-term relationship ruts. Whether you're newly out, new to sex, or just want to go from good to unforgettable, I can help.
