Common Myths About BDSM (and What’s Actually True)

BDSM has lived in the shadows for a long time — wrapped up in misunderstanding, misrepresentation, and a whole lot of bad movie lighting.

For people who are new to kink or just beginning to explore, it’s easy to bump into myths that paint BDSM as dangerous, shameful, or extreme. The truth is that BDSM is rooted in communication, trust, and consent — and it looks a lot more diverse and human than the stereotypes would have you believe.

Let’s gently untangle some of the most common myths together.

Myth #1: “A Dom tells you what to do, and you have to do everything they say.”

This idea shows up often in pop culture — but it leaves out the most important part of BDSM: negotiation.

Power exchange is something both partners agree to ahead of time. A Dominant may give direction, but a submissive always has the right to set boundaries, speak up, and stop a scene at any time. Real dominance isn’t about control without limits — it’s about creating a space where everyone knows exactly where those limits are.

The power in a D/s dynamic isn’t taken — it’s given, with trust.

Myth #2: “Submissives are weak or powerless.”

This one couldn’t be further from the truth.

Submissives are often the people with the clearest sense of their boundaries and needs. Choosing to submit requires confidence, self-awareness, and trust. Healthy submission doesn’t erase your power — it channels it.

In fact, many submissives set the tone of the entire scene. They know what they want, they express their limits, and they choose who they trust.

Myth #3: “BDSM is always about sex.”

While BDSM can be sexual, it doesn’t have to be.

For many people, BDSM is about sensation, emotional connection, or exploring power dynamics in a safe and consensual way. Scenes can involve sex — or they can be entirely nonsexual.

Think of it as a spectrum. Everyone has their own version of what BDSM looks and feels like, and that’s part of what makes it so expansive.

Myth #4: “People who are into BDSM must have something wrong with them.”

This myth has deep cultural roots, and it’s simply not true.

Enjoying BDSM does not mean someone is broken, damaged, or unhealthy. In fact, research shows that many kink practitioners are highly communicative and self-aware. Some people use BDSM as a way to connect more deeply to themselves and others, to explore trust, or to create healing experiences.

Kink is a way of relating — not a diagnosis.

Myth #5: “BDSM dungeons are creepy, dark, and full of chains on the walls.”

It’s easy to picture a cold stone basement thanks to TV and movies, but that’s rarely reality.

Most BDSM dungeons — including many here in Kansas City’s kink community — are community spaces designed with safety, comfort, and consent in mind. You might see padded furniture, clean equipment, friendly hosts, and clear rules that protect everyone involved.

It’s more community center than haunted castle.

Myth #6: “People who do BDSM like to torture or be tortured.”

Pain and torture are not the same thing.

Some people enjoy impact play or intense sensation, but it’s always consensual, negotiated, and intentional. The goal isn’t harm — it’s to create experiences that feel meaningful, exciting, or pleasurable to those involved.

For others, BDSM may not involve pain at all. There are many ways to play.

Myth #7: “Fear is built into BDSM.”

What’s actually at the heart of BDSM is trust.

Some scenes may intentionally include elements of fear or intensity, but only when everyone involved has talked about it, agreed to it, and knows how to stop at any time. Fear without consent is abuse. Fear within a fully negotiated, safe scene can be an experience of surrender, transformation, or emotional release — but it’s never required.

Myth #8: “Doms are power-hungry or abusive.”

A healthy Dominant is not looking to take power — they’re creating an experience where both people feel safe and connected.

Good Dominants are attuned, respectful, and deeply invested in the well-being of their partners. When done well, power exchange is built on consent, care, and clear communication — not force or manipulation.

What’s Real Beneath the Myths

BDSM isn’t about pain, control, or danger — it’s about choice. It’s a space where people co-create experiences that are meaningful, intense, playful, healing, erotic, or all of the above.

If you’ve ever been curious about kink, it’s okay if what you’ve heard up until now has been shaped by myths. That’s why education and conversation matter so much.

The truth is: BDSM is intentional, consensual, and deeply human.
And the best way to understand it is to learn about it in spaces that honor safety, clarity, and your boundaries.

Exploring Kink in Kansas City

If you’re curious about BDSM in Kansas City and want to learn how to explore it safely and confidently, I offer individual and couples coaching for those ready to step into kink with clarity and consent.

Whether you’re brand new or simply ready to deepen your knowledge, this is a judgment-free space where your questions are welcome and your limits are honored. As a kink coach in Kansas City, I help you explore what feels right for you — no scripts, no pressure, no shame.