The Myth of Spontaneous Desire
You know the story. The couple can’t keep their hands off each other. They kiss against the wall, rip each other’s clothes off, climax in unison. It’s spontaneous. It’s hot. It’s instant.
And it’s bullshit.
Well—not entirely. Spontaneous desire is a real thing. Some people do feel sexual urges pop up out of nowhere. But here's the key: not everyone does. And the real kicker? Most people don’t—especially those socialized as women or raised in shame-heavy or body-negative environments.
There’s another kind of desire that gets far less screen time but is just as real—maybe more so:
Responsive Desire
Responsive desire isn’t about being in the mood first. It’s about getting into the mood once something feels good, once there’s a sense of connection, safety, curiosity, or turn-on.
Think about food. You might not feel hungry until you smell the pizza. You weren’t sitting around craving it, but suddenly—yep. You want a slice.
Same with sex. Desire doesn’t always lead the way. Sometimes it follows.
You’re Not Broken, You’re Just Human
If you're not walking around horny all the time, that doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means you're a person with a nervous system. With a life. With bills. Possibly with children and jobs and caregiving roles and perimenopause knocking at your door.
Desire is responsive for many, if not most, people. Especially in long-term relationships, or in bodies that are stressed, tired, overstimulated, or under-touched.
One of the biggest things I teach my clients is this: Desire is not a moral issue.
You don’t need to earn it or prove you’re worthy of it. You just need the right conditions for it to arise.
And often, the conditions we live in are doing the exact opposite.
Libido Killers: The Unsexy Truth
Let’s name some common libido killers—just so we can stop pretending this is about you being lazy, frigid, or selfish (yikes, who invited that internalized shame monster?).
🔥 Stress
Your nervous system can’t turn on when it thinks you’re in danger—or a spreadsheet.
🔥 Shame
Feeling bad about your body, your genitals, your fantasies? That’ll shut things down fast.
🔥 Resentment or Disconnection
If emotional intimacy is low, or if you’re constantly giving without receiving, desire retreats.
🔥 Hormonal Changes
Perimenopause, menopause, postpartum, medical conditions—all of these shift our bodies’ natural rhythms.
🔥 Overstimulated But Under-touched
You scroll, text, respond, swipe all day. But when’s the last time someone touched you without needing something?
Libido doesn’t disappear. It gets buried. Under layers of protection, fear, fatigue, and unmet needs.
And yet… there’s a way back.
The Kink Pathway: Pleasure, Play, and Permission
Let’s talk about kink. Because if there’s one thing that brings people back to life in the bedroom, it’s permission to explore what actually turns them on—not what they think should.
Kink is not about pain and leather (unless that’s your thing). It’s about intention, creativity, and structure. It offers:
Novelty: Our brains crave something new. Even a simple blindfold can reignite curiosity.
Negotiation: Kink requires consent, communication, and clarity—which builds trust.
Safety: Paradoxically, having rules, boundaries, and safe words can make people feel free to play.
Power dynamics: For many, the erotic charge comes from role-play, surrender, or taking control. That’s not dirty—it’s human.
In a culture that rarely teaches adults how to explore pleasure, kink can feel like a lifeline.
Sometimes the hottest thing isn’t a spark—it’s a plan.
That’s why kink often reawakens desire where “date night” failed. It’s not about being naughty. It’s about feeling alive.
Somatic Insight: The Body is the Bedrock of Desire
If you’ve been living in your head (hi, anxiety), you may not even know what your body feels like anymore. That’s okay. You're not alone.
Somatic sexology is the art and science of helping people reconnect to their erotic bodies—not by thinking harder, but by feeling more.
What does this look like?
Putting a hand on your belly and breathing slowly for 2 minutes
Sensing the warmth of the shower on your skin
Noticing what lights you up (without rushing to label it “sexy” or not)
When we reawaken the body’s capacity for sensation, we open the door to responsive desire.
This is not performance. This is presence.
Reconnecting With Your Desire: A Few First Steps
Here are a few gentle but powerful ways to begin your return to pleasure:
1. Schedule Non-Sexual Intimacy
Cuddle. Bathe together. Lay naked in bed without touching. Give your body a chance to say “yes” slowly.
2. Try an Erotic Space Ritual
Light a candle, put on a playlist, wear something soft or fun. Let this be a signal to your brain: This is time for pleasure.
3. Explore Sensuality, Not Just Sexuality
Eat something decadent. Dance alone in your living room. Roll a stone across your skin. Turn on the senses, not just the genitals.
4. Talk About Your Fantasies
Even if you don’t act on them, speaking fantasies aloud can bring heat, curiosity, and connection.
5. Try a Kink Class or Workshop
Kink is not just for the “freaky” folks. It's for anyone curious about what’s possible when we play with structure, trust, and permission.
You’re Not Alone—and You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone Either
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are allowed to be exactly where you are, and still want more.
Desire is a living thing. It breathes. It contracts and expands. It goes quiet when it’s not safe, and it slowly returns when it feels wanted again.
If you’re feeling the pull to reconnect with your erotic self—to explore your desire, to reclaim your pleasure—I’m here. This is the work I love most.
Ready to Find Your Way Back to Desire?
Whether you’re local to Kansas City or prefer to work virtually, I offer:
Private sessions for individuals and couples
Somatic and kink-informed coaching
Workshops and group classes
Safe space to explore, ask, feel, and grow
You deserve connection. You deserve pleasure. You deserve to know that your desire isn’t gone—it’s waiting.
Let’s bring it back together.
