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Do you ever sit back and think to yourself about your journey? Like, " how the fuck did I get HERE?" I have and I do. Often. The path has not been an easy one, but that doesn't make me special or unique. It makes me human and relatable. Sometimes we need to know we aren't the only ones that lived through the sh*t life dumped on us. We need to be seen in that way and connect. But what about the wins? The joys and laughs along the way? The parts that fell into place without much effort. The people that held your hand, picked you up, thrusted you forward. I have those too. In the quiet moments I can feel both. I can hold both at the same time. I wasn't always able to do that. The sh*tty times would steal my joy away and tell me I didn't deserve it or that it wasn't real or that it would leave me. But I now I have capacity for JOY AND PLEASURE TOO! The 2 ladies in the photo are my grandmas. They were a big part of me growing up. I have strong memories of the lessons and love they taught me. They show up everyday for me. Something reminds of one of them, I hear their voice/s, I feel their presence on me, I laugh at something because one of them would have thought it to be funny. They aren’t physically here, but the are HERE. The books on the bottom shelf were all reads that changed and shaped my life in one way of another. Left to right: 1. Feminist Jurisprudence. I haven't read this thick heavy law book. But I have a memory of seeing it on my mom's shelf with all of her law books (she's an attorney). There wasn't, and isn't, one for men. Laws aren't made about what men can/can't do. It was an awakening for me. My mom never told me to be a feminist, she showed me how in her daily actions. 2. The Politics of Virginity. I've been interviewed by authors of several books over my life. Mostly about women's autonomy in birth but there are so many parallels that apply across everything we do. This book is by one of those authors that interviewed me. I learned that people do want to hear what I have to say, my story, my experience, my reasons are important. And to keep speaking out because someone is listening and watching. 3. Unbound. This is by Tarana Burke. She birthed the "ME TOO" movement. I had read this book and it was heavy on my mind when I went to a feminist march in Lawrence Kansas. From the mic stand I watched white women give credit to WW for the movement. I heard black women speak out to tell the truth and they weren't mic'd and they were ignored. I saw it with my eyes and my heart felt it, heavy. I decided that day that the feminist movement did not align with my values. While I do call myself a feminist, because of the true meaning of the word although, my personal beliefs are not the same; I stopped attending protests and speaking from the stage and started changing how I lived. Putting myself in uncomfortable conversations and places so I could get to know BIPOC women as another woman. Lip service wasn't enough but I didn't have anything else at that time. I know more now. I deeply value the women whom allowed me to fumble but could see my heart and gave me the benefit of the doubt. Because you taught me lessons and now I have heart to heart and soul to soul friendships where I am completely authentic. I had to enter those spaces with no agenda and strip down any fronts or armour I had. 4. The Art of Arousal - obsessed. Put me on a path to HERE. 5. The Courage to be Disliked. Part of my journey to authenticity that got me to HERE. 6. Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes If I could have lunch with any famous person she would be at the top 3 of my list. I read this book at rock bottom. I was broken. I had nothing left and the only direction I could possibly go was up but I couldn't find the way. I grabbed it because I love Gray's Anatomy and I thought it was a biography- light reading. It gave me a perspective I had no idea existed. It gave me somewhere to go one step at a fucking time, one foot forward at a time. I was stuck, glued to the bottom of my darkest times, and this book showed me a light to follow. I know it sounds dramatic but this is my reality and absofuckinglutely what it felt like. I read it for 20 minutes before I started my shifts as a postpartum doula because it gave me the energy and confidence to be able to help the mothers I was working with. It was my medicine those mornings. And I recommend this book and think about it as a reminder of what it took to get me HERE.
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