When Lying Feels Safer Than Telling the Truth

We talk about lying like it’s always malicious. But what about the soft, quiet ones — the “I’m fine,” the “It’s not a big deal,” the “Don’t worry about it”?
Those aren’t born from cruelty. They come from fear, from old wounds, from moments when telling the truth didn’t feel safe.

Sometimes it’s not the past at all — it’s happening right now. Maybe you’ve opened up to someone and got met with coldness, defensiveness, or a wall. In that moment, lying can feel like protection. Not because you want to deceive, but because your nervous system is waving its little safety flag.

Here’s the tricky part: even the tiniest lies can quietly build distance. Guilt creeps in, and suddenly the very connection you’re trying to protect slips a little further away. Over time, the person you love stops really knowing you — because how can they, if the real you is hiding in the shadows?

If you notice yourself in this loop, start with curiosity, not shame. How does your body feel when you speak a little untruth? Does it feel safer than honesty? Real connection grows from vulnerability and empathy — the gooey, messy, human stuff. That’s where the magic lives.

One honest breath at a time, honesty can shift from scary to freeing. You deserve to be seen and heard just as you are. If you’re tired of running circles in what feels like a guilt-laced game of emotional hide-and-seek… or you’re frustrated because telling the truth keeps blowing up in your face — come see me. We’ll untangle the sticky stuff together. No shame. No judgment. Just real, messy, human connection (the good kind).

Emotional Support Isn’t About Fixing the Problem Causing the Emotion. It’s About Joining Your Partner and Having Each Other’s Backs

Recently, I was talking with a client about what emotional support looks like to her. Every time she felt something—sad, mad, anxious, even joyful—she also felt unsupported and invalidated by her partner. Meanwhile, he was baffled. He loved her deeply, wanted to support her, and had no idea what he was doing wrong.

She wanted to turn to him for emotional support, not just her friends. She wanted to feel like they were on the same team. And he wanted to show up for her but didn’t know how.

Here’s the thing about emotional support:

1. Don’t try to fix what you think the problem is.

2. Anger wants to be joined.

3. Anxiety (fear) wants to be heard.
   But every emotion—whatever it is—wants to be validated in the moment.

Let’s look at a real-life scenario to illustrate this:

Scenario 1- The Disconnect in problem-solving

They’re in heavy traffic, unfamiliar area. She’s driving. The exit is coming up, she signals to get over, but the car in the next lane rides her blind spot—neither slowing down nor speeding up.

Her body tenses. Fear kicks in. “This idiot won’t get out of my way!” she snaps.

Her husband answers calmly, “He probably doesn’t see you. There’s a lot of traffic.” She’s trying to merge, waving and yelling at the other driver. When the car finally speeds up and cuts right in front of her, it nearly causes an accident. She explodes with profanity.

Her husband, uncomfortable with her anger, says, “I don’t think he saw you. People don’t pay attention while driving.”

She fires back, “He cut me off! He almost made us get in an accident!”

He raises his voice. “Just let it go. We didn’t get into a wreck.”

By the time they arrive, the tension is thick. Her initial anger has nowhere to land. She’s not even angry at the driver anymore—she’s resentful toward him. He didn’t have her back. He wanted her to calm down, but she needed him to stand with her in it.

Scenario Two: Validate the Emotion

Same situation. Heavy traffic, exit ahead, car won’t get over.

Her voice tightens. “This idiot won’t let me over.”

This time, her husband says, “Yeah, I see it. I’ll help you get over. And even if we miss the exit, I can look up an alternate route.” Her fear starts to melt. She’s no longer alone in it.

She mutters again, “This idiot won’t let me over!”

He joins her: “WTF is his problem? ”The other car finally speeds up. She makes the exit. “Nice job! That was close,” he says.
She exhales. “He totally cut me off. What an asshole.”
“Yeah, he could not have missed seeing you. People can be so oblivious,” he agrees.

They arrive at their destination feeling connected. Hand in hand. No tension. She feels seen, chosen, partnered with and knows her husband’s got her back. He feels calm, proud, and connected to her. A simple shift in response made all the difference.

Why It Worked

In the first scenario, her husband tried to fix it. He minimized her anger because he was uncomfortable with it. HIS priority was making the anger stop. But in the second scenario, he validated her feelings. He joined her in it. Her anger didn’t need to be fixed—it needed to be witnessed and supported. That support allowed the emotion to move through quickly and kept the connection between them intact.

This is emotional support in action: not solving, not correcting, but joining and validating. That’s what builds connection.

If you consider yourself a past client or a client that hasn’t had an appointment in a minute or two- I want to invite you back, I miss you! And I have much more to share with you as I am constantly leveling up on my skills set and education/training. In addition to somatic sex and relationship coaching, I am using Somatic Experiencing to help people heal from trauma and regulate their nervous systems. Text or email for appointments- I don’t use online calendars because I want to CONNECT with you. Can’t wait to see you again!

My office hours are:

Monday 1-5pm
Tuesday-Thursday 11am-6pm
Friday 11am-4pm
*I open one Sunday a month to catch up for anyone that had to reschedule and I wasn’t able to get in any other time. Contact me personally for Sunday appointments as the dates are set as needed.