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It's one of the most common questions people ask after they've been hurt in a relationship. "Do you think they meant to do that?" I understand the question. If we can figure out someone's intention, maybe we can figure out what to do with our hurt. But I think we spend a lot of time trying to become detectives of someone else's intention because it feels safer than sitting with our own feelings. After all, if they didn't mean it, maybe we shouldn't be upset. Maybe they were having a bad day, maybe we should let it go. If they had good intentions, maybe we're overreacting. Meanwhile, the hurt is still sitting there. Your nervous system doesn't wait for a verdict before it responds. Whether someone was careless, overwhelmed, distracted, selfish, or malicious, your body still experiences the impact. So while intention matters, I don't think it's the first question. The first question is: Did it hurt? What happened? What emotions came up? Did it touch an old wound or create a new one? The answers to those questions matter regardless of what the other persons intentions were. That said, I do think intention changes how we hold the hurt. For me, it's easier to have empathy when I know someone wasn't trying to cause harm. The pain doesn't disappear, but it softens a little. Understanding someone's humanity can make forgiveness easier. What's harder is when someone acts with cruelty, contempt, or a desire to wound. Most of us can feel the difference. But even then, intention isn't the whole story. Because good intentions don't repair hurt. Accountability does. Someone saying, "I didn't mean to hurt you," might explain what happened. It doesn't make it right. The question isn't whether they intended to hurt you. The question is what happened after they realized they did. Were they curious about your experience? Did they take responsibility? Did they try to repair the damage? In healthy relationships, people hurt each other all the time. Not because they're bad people, but because they're human. The difference is that when hurt happens, they turn toward it instead of away from it. So yes, intention does matter. But accountability tells you far more about a person's character than intention ever will.
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